Monday, December 27, 2010

Africa- The Votes Have It

Alright, for everyone that voted on the questions on the side bar about what my readers would like to hear, maybe you've seen that the results are in. The most 'wanted' subject?
"Random Stories of Crazy Stuff happening to you!"
Alright, to start, let me tell you a few little ones. These are random little things that happen all the time through town and the surrounding villages.
Preparing for the Muzungu Apocalypse
1. One time I was in a village (aka the middle of nowhere) working first call (what they call house to house over here). I came around the corner of the dirt path, and what did I see but 2 kids playing. They looked up at me, and their faces went blank. "Here comes the 'Muzungu'." I thought to myself. But not this time. This time, instead of yelling out Muzungu, the kids took one look at me and screamed! Absolute terror struck their faces and they both bolted away with tears running down their faces. Now, to be honest, it was really, really sad to see them so afraid, but I couldn't stop laughing! It was SO FUNNY! They ran to their parents and hid behind the curtain doors. The parents were laughing as hard as I was! (great parents, right?) When the mom picked up a kid to bring them to me, the kid freaked and bailed from his mother's arms, running away. (mayday, mayday, eject!) After we caught our breath back from laughing I witnessed to the parents. When I handed over the tract, the kids cried again. (don't touch it, mom!) So I took out another one, got down on my knees, and offered it to the kid in the door. She CRIED and cried before she took a step. (I hate myself for doing this!) She approached super slowly and cried the whole time, but still came up to me. (Why am I doing this?!) Her arm reached way out to reach for the tract, as far as she could manage, and tenderly took the tract. She cried, cried, and then cried, and then she ran back inside, peering out at me from the doorway. (Am I dead?)

At least THESE kids liked me...
Finally I asked what the problem with them was, and if it was because I was white. "Maybe they've never seen a white guy before, it happens a lot here." I thought to myself. It does happen a lot with kids. However, (here is the kicker) the brothers told me that there are stories told to some of the kids of bazungu (plural form of muzungu) eating the heads of children! HAHAHA! So these kids were terrified that I was going to eat their heads! That made it even funnier! No wonder they were so terrified!

So if you cross me, I'll eat your head. Watch yourself.

2. I was walking down through town, and this old guy with a walking stick sees me. A scowl slaps on his face, and he drops to one knee and puts his stick over his shoulder, aimed at me like a bazooka. Then with his mouth of plenty dental vacancies, he bared his tooth at me. He proceeded to loudly make a noise I can only fathom was supposed to be a machine gun. "DEDEDEDEDDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDE!!" I stood there for a second looking at him, but he kept doing it.
...*Trevor looks around*
*He is still doing it*
"So...I'm just going to go."
*Yep, still doing it*
So I put in my earphones and walked away. Now whenever he sees me he raises his stick at me yells at me. I pretend to not see/hear him. One of these days he is going to club me, I just know it.

3. I was on the boda today, and a leaf came rocketing out of the sky and hit me square in the face. I swear it was flaming it was so fast, nearly knocking me off backwards. I peeled it off my face and picked out the bugs now in my nose and tossed it off, but I'm pretty sure that it hit the boda behind me. I think I heard a wreck, and lots of crying. That leaf was out for blood today, and I think I narrowly escaped death. It has pointy edges, sharp enough to eventually slice me in half!

4. Oh, here is the grand finale. Its the big kahuna, the mommajamma. You're going to want to sit down for this one.
So sometime towards when I had first arrived, I was sitting there at the meeting. One of the brothers walked up and asked for my new phone number, so I happily gave it to him. That was a bad move...because there was a sister standing nearby. She was listening. I won't use her real name. So, lets call this sister...mrs. piggie.
After I was done with talking to the brother, mrs. piggy came up and told me that she copied my number. "Ok, I thought," that is random, (and a bit creepy) but watevs maybe its an Africa thing. So I talked, got her name, and left it at that. Seriously it was about 20 seconds.
So then I take off to do a study. Going outside of the hall, we bring a bench with us. There I am. I'm sitting down at the back outside wall of the kingdom hall, and I get call...It was mrs. piggie. I stand up and peer around the corner, and who is there but this girl, looking at me. I put on a smile to mask the "What the heck, dude?" look on my face and wave. I hang up and go back to the study. My phone rings.
...Its her.
Funnies, laughs, giggles, and wiggles, I'm sure, but its not over yet. She called again later. And then again. She called me over and over again that day. Guess how many times.
19 times in one day. THEN I get another call at 2 am the next day. When I looked to the phone, it was mrs. piggie's number. I ignored it. So then later that morning I get a text from her.
"When I close my eyes, I can dream of you, and I know I'll be ok. That is what I do when I want to see you, and be with you." Something similar to that.
"Uh...Ok." How do you respond to that?!?! Of course, I didn't. I closed the phone and went back to bed! The next day she called another 12 times. Of course, I didn't mention that to anyone right yet, but instead I tucked it away for a later time. That was something that future Trevor would have to deal with, not me. She called every day, but less and less as time went on. So now she only calls me every now and then.
OF COURSE, during one meeting, I was sitting in the back up against the wall. A wall at my back, my bag at my side, and then the wall that was at my side.
Introduce mrs. piggie, once again. Does she go to the totally empty bench? No, of course not. mrs. piggie squeezes her butt between me and the wall, a spot clearly saved for mr. Personal Space. So now I'm thigh hugging mrs piggie with no choice but to sit there and endure it. At that point, I told the need greaters I'm with about it. mrs piggie wants to add to her stye, and I'm the next little piglet on her list. So the next Sunday the sisters formed an antipiggiebuffer! HAHA! A sister on each side of me, mrs piggie stood no chance! They defiantly stood up against this muddied foe, and down she was cast, in her own shame!
SO. It turns out that she was just a study, and never really came to meetings until she saw me, then *poof* she was regular. I guess she wants a helping of this muzungu pie, but I'm not serving. Lines closed, pigstress, so get out! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here! Oh snap.

Alright, that is part one of crazy stories. As I remember more and as more happen to me, I'll post, but for now I'm going to go cook some bacon. The irony is sickeningly pleasurable, isn't it? MUWAHAHAHAHA!
Ok I'm done. Thanks for reading!


  1. Well I guess if you can't find a suitable wife in the states you can always go back to Africa!!! Lol

  2. Oh & DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE!!! hahahahhaahhahahahahaha I couldnt stop laughing....... Prolly a relative of Marnen Fuller. Lol

  3. Oh my goodness... tears.. running down.. my face. I don't even know where to begin, so I won't. It's all beyond funny. But the clincher, after reading everything, I did a double-take at the top photo. Thought it was a bit serious for the context. THEN I read the caption. Bwahahaha!!! Perfect!! (I think I hurt something.)

  4. Zech, I nearly died when you mentioned Marnen!!

    Jenny, Hahaha, sorry if I helped you break something!

  5. It seems like Mrs. Piggie has a great need for you. I was just thinking that you should go for a walk with her and all of the sudden DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE DE. (I am referencing the man don't actually shoot her behind a house or something). I don't know though Trevor she still has a few months to break you down. Also we definately need a picture even if it is from behind so as to hide her face.

  6. Hey Kermit...can I get you phone number too???? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeessseeeeeeeeeeeee!!
    signed, Chef and Beaker x_x

  7. *Nautica cannot post at the moment due to a tragic incident of laughing too hard (or much...tears were involved), pulling muscles, and failing to breath, resulting in fatality from reading a post about a muzungu's crazy stories*